Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Sometimes I Wonder if Even God Hates Black People

God must hate black people. He's got to. And if he doesn't, then he's guilty of GROSS negligence. Willful and wanton and in reckless disregard of the fucking obvious.

I just came back from a movie – The Constant Gardener. The upshot? Another verse in a common refrain - pharmaceutical companies were killing people to test new drugs on them – in Africa, of course. Tested in Africa so that millions of Westerners would have access to the drug – black people perish, so that white people might live. The ultimate sacrifice. A race of Jesus Christs. Lambs to the slaughter. The crucified savior - en masse. And here I sit in my American home, in an American city - in the seat of all freedom - doing nothing.

My fiancé is angry at me….I’m in one of my moods, he says. But as my partner, my lover, my leader - I don’t understand how mine are the only tears that can fall?

Why are we here – black people? What was the purpose of us? Are we simply here to shoulder the burdens of the rest of the world? To embody injustice...any injustice…all injustice?

ALL of them????

We seem only to be here as the work horses...tragedies the rest of creation uses and abuses at will. And seeing as how that IS what we are, I can’t imagine that God cares for us any more than our American president.

When does this end? When comes our retribution? When are the wrongs made right? And how – when I sit here with two little hands and a heart bound to crack...woefully, pitifully powerless? What can I possibly do that can matter to a people a with so many open wounds...when I am one of those wounds...with bloody scars and war stories of my own? where would I start, with no resources (a fact created by design), and with a pittance of knowledge as to even where all the problems lie? Where do I begin, when the hurts began with my greatest grandmother, and seem deeper and wider than all of Yemaya’s seas? How would we begin? Where could we be presumptuous enough to even begin???

And, even if we by some miracle discover those answers…

Do we ask - to what extent do we lend ourselves to such misery? And if we do, to any extent, does that make it our fault? Did we do something to deserve this? What did we do? We're all one - aren't we? Are we?
Assuming we are - if we all stem from the same source, the same true thing - then why does the rest of creation not inherently share our obvious burden? Why is it ours to carry - alone?

Is there justice, anywhere? Is it hiding in me, festering and gasping for air? Maybe if we are all one, and the breath of God lives in me - if I am God - then it's really my negligence at issue.

1 Comments:

Blogger Tarquin Reeder said...

This is so deep. I never thought I would read anything that absolutely embodied how I feel every.... single... solitary... day.... I feel like we are so helpless, hope in God is the only thing that gives me worth. I have nothing else.

8:44 PM  

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